Mind-numbing

These days if someone were to ask me how I'm doing, I would offer a smile, and say "Just Fine & You?" All the while in my mind I'd be screaming the randomly negative truth; 'Unappreciated, uninspired, without a purpose". My mind screams these things so loudly, I sometimes wonder if people actually hear me. Perhaps it is my pretentious smile that gives me away. I find my smile and my true feelings forever contradicting each other.I haven't always been this way. There was a time when all felt joyous, hopeful and meaningful. My children were younger, and although I was raising them alone I reveled in the challenge. Perhaps now I am not as needed. I know this for sure: I am tired. Tired of the seemingly uphill climb. Tired of doing all, and being all to many people and having no appreciation. Not that I need accolades every time I do even the littlest thing, once in a while would suffice. Joy is torn away every time I spend a day at the office and do nothing of meaning. Torn yet again when the guidance I attempt to give my teenage daughter is viewed as a plot on my part to control her. Torn yet again as I clean up after everyone and then turn around and do it all again 30 minutes later. Sure they seem to notice that I feel down, but they don't seem to connect the dots. Before you start telling me that I shouldn't base my happiness on outside influences, walk a day in my shoes. One day and I am sure you will have a crystal clear picture and probably go running for the hills. Here's how it usually goes.Wake up in the morning and go to a job that barely serves a purpose. Sit at my desk, do the 20 or so minutes of paperwork. Now find a way to fill the other 7 hours and 10 minutes. Being paid to do virtually nothing is not a fabulous as it sounds. After that mind-numbing day, go home and begin to fulfill the various requests of my family. Barely in the door you will get the first question. "What's for dinner?" to which you reply that you don't know since you just walked in the door and all you want to do is get out of the panty hose and the feet pinching shoes you have worn all day. Once your clothes are changed, you can begin to field the many questions from the teenagers that usually start with the phrase " I was wondering if..." This is how you can be certain that they need you to do something for them, give something to them, buy something for them, or drive them somewhere. With a sigh you will look around the house that you always wish was clean & bite your tongue as you start to clean up knowing full well that none of this was you doing. You will quickly realize that asking anyone if they created any of this mess will most certainly be met with either a blank stare or the always popular "I was gonna _______________" (insert empty promise here). By this point, you will have a strong urge to grab the nearest teenager and shake her while screaming, " I am not your servant! How will you ever cope on your own if you can't clean up after yourself? Stop depending on me to do everything around here! Pitch in! This is supposed to be a family! A team!" but you will refrain, knowing that this rant will only fall upon deaf ears. Move on to making supper. This task becomes increasingly challenging. One kid eats like a bird, one kid is a vegetarian, and the boyfriend is most definitely a carnivore. You are safe to pick pasta with 2 sauces. One with meat, one without. Please don't be disheartened when the one who eats like a bird tosses her nose up in the air because it is pasta again. The only alternatives to this is making nothing and announce that everyone will have to fend for his or herself. Be aware however that this guarantees at least three times the mess in the kitchen and surely all cupboard doors will be left open. By this time you will probably be seeking out a place for some quiet relaxation. You will not be able to find one. Although there are only four people in this household, the volume is closer to ten occupants. Don't be shocked when the fighting starts and only continues to escalate as the evening wears on. Any attempt to intervene will be met with confusion. This is how the two teenagers communicate. Trying to break up the fighting/banter is hopeless. The only thing you have left to do is retire to your room. Get your clothes organized for the next day, turn up your TV to drown out the sounds coming from the living room. Give it a minute and there will be a knock on the bedroom door. "What's wrong Mom?" One of the teenagers will innocently ask. A blank stare will be your only reasonable answer.